Take Care
It has been a year since I’ve written my last blog and almost two years since my life took an instant nosedive into terrifyingly unchartered territory. Like an ice cream cone abandoned to the Arizona sun I have felt the familiar and secure melt away in a sticky river of anxiety, grief, and exhaustion.
In August 2022 my husband was diagnosed with AML, Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It is a serious form of blood cancer that can take a life in five years or less left untreated. Our only option was a stem cell transplant to have the greatest chance of curing his disease.
To say that we were both in a state of shock is an understatement beyond comprehension. We were incredibly naïve regarding the entire process not only of facing the Cancer but of understanding the severity of the treatment. My husband was the picture of health. He had never been ill with anything more serious than the flu his whole life and even a virus was a rare occasion. There was no warning, nothing to prepare us for the treacherous journey we were about to embark on. He learned the news through a routine visit to his internist during his annual checkup. From the instant the Doctor’s suspicions were confirmed by a bone marrow biopsy our life trajectory changed and quite frankly, for good and for bad, we will never be the same again.
We are still on the path. His transplant was in January 2023 and was successful in beating the Leukemia. He is thankfully still in remission with no signs of it rearing its ugly head. His recovery from the brutality of the chemo, radiation, infections, autoimmune responses, 3 long stints in the hospital and more is ongoing. He is improving and healing one microsecond at a time.
People tell me I am strong. I always knew that I was, but I had no idea how strong until the Mantle “Sole Caregiver” was added to my many titles and responsibilities as a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, and aunt. I have felt so weak in the midst of my strength as I nurse my brave and persevering husband 24-7 each passing day. My family, friends, and church keep me going so I can help keep him moving forward.
We are getting there and I’m so thankful that today I finally felt I had the desire and courage to write again. I’ve been wanting to, but honestly there has been no well of reserves to draw from. Even prayer is difficult when faced with the kind of trauma my husband and I have endured. Someday I would like to write a book, and I will definitely blog more on the subject. I have to write about my life in the moment to make my blogging authentic, worthwhile and hopefully an inspiration to others.
Within all the misery many miracles have occurred these past 2 years. There is so much to share, so much to be grateful for. One of my dear friends and sisters in Christ from my church reminded me of a book I once read called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. My friend recommended thinking of three things a day to be grateful for and to write them in a journal every night. Like Ann’s book you focus on the positive and the gratitude all day instead of allowing the fears and frustrations to suck you down that draining cavern of negativity, deception, and depression.
It is Easter Sunday in a couple of days and no better time to pull focus on Resurrection. Christ died and was resurrected for our sake and souls. My husband and I have had to embrace a death of certain realities in our life. We’ve had to let go of some dreams and visions temporarily and have had to learn how to find joy in the basics of pure survival and love. We are being resurrected to a new mode of attitude and outlook that has more depth and color than we ever could have imagined.
Life is change. There is no avoiding it. The key is to look for what works within the new and the different instead of bemoaning what is no longer present or possible. I told a friend recently I will be a different person in another year. He asked me “Are you going to choose?” I said, “Absolutely! We always have a choice.”
“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:6
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8